My last therapy session I talked about my self doubt and how I felt like I wasn’t good enough which prevented me from trying, or one of the many reasons that did.
I don’t actually know how to get over that.
I mean I have suffered from self-doubt since High School. The reasons I got things done then was because I had structure behind them. I had deadlines and such, which most of the time I would meet but even then my ADHD would frequently push back on and make me late for because I would remember at the last second and even then typically get a C for that, which honestly didn’t help when trying to do homework when you can do things last second and still pass.
I have tried to set personal deadlines but because they are personal they really mean little to nothing. Like “Oh well, I missed that deadline, oooops” without some stakes there’s not urgency and without urgency there is no real deadline. At the same time I don’t know if setting arbitrary deadlines would actually work for me now, even if I tried to work with them aside from above example of not. It still feels hollow. I even tried working with the whole NaNoWriMo and still couldn’t get past the start cause the deadline was still defined by me, there were no stakes.
So then how does one get out of this mentality.
I’ve tried to over plan things so at least I know where I am going in order to make it easier for me to write/create, but it usually makes it more difficult cause it’s like, well now I have to have these characters do this thing in order to get here and do this thing. That typically doesn’t flow naturally. It difficult to determine the wills of a character once you are just creating them. Maybe that would be a better option then fully develop the character so I would know what they are and how they would react, what their motivations are. Even with that though I am stuck in the weeds of character development and not of full creation.
Write a draft and then continue with that draft. I can’t ever seem to do that. I always look back and then hate the thing I just wrote. It’s no wonder I look back at my childhood and envy that guy because of their ability to just do. I have lost that along the way somewhere. Because of rejection or just indifference. With no positive feedback I have just gone into the death spiral of my own negative feedback.
Cyan