So with this renewed inspiration and motivation there are some projects that I have had on the back burner that I have been wanting to do but never accomplished. So I feel if I make a list of them I would possibly push me into doing them, or at least give me something to look at as I try to figure out why I’m not doing any of them.

Learn Blender

So I have wanted to learn Blender for years now (see last post) and not sure why I haven’t. It is a complicated program and I have a weird way of learning. I learn better when someone is showing me how to do something. Basically all the tutorials in the world could help a bit but if someone is walking me through it I can get the jist of it better. Now writing this out reminds me one of my D&D friends from Fridays said she would help me learn it so I should take her up on that. (Going to message her right now to see what we can set up).

Learn Godot

With Unity… well being Unity I decided to switch game development stuff over to Godot, which honestly is fine since I never really learned Unity very well either. Unity at least had a programming language that was more well known than Godot but it does seem like Godot has some things that make it somewhat easier to use.

Develop Games

I have like five to six games always floating through my head at any given point. The one that I have been trying to make for the longest time has been a steampunk/safari inspired metroidvania but getting it from my head to physical form has been the issue. I have been finding things that can help with it constantly but actually making it is the problem. My issue is I want to do all the things at the same time. Like I want to make the levels, but oh I need to have the character designed, and have I got the art for the world sprites yet, oh hey what about baddies I need some of those. I have got the primary story done, not written out but planned out in my head, but then of course I have to write out the story as well… This is all why I never get anything of it done. I want to do it all now and want it all perfect, or at least usable until I can perfect it.

Writing

This of course leads to writing. So the first time I went to college was because I wanted to be a writer. Not a technical writer but a fiction writer. And while there I wrote a lot. One of my favorite pieces of fiction I ever wrote was while in school for a collaborative fiction website. Most of my good written work was with this website. I even got that one and another story published by a different website. I have also written a story for a second life world in which I got it published as well. I have written anything really since then. Or I have tried but I get stuck right after I start. I don’t find it good enough so I can’t continue. I continue creating the story in my head but can never get what I have in my head out. It’s quite frustrating. I need to just write like I am writing now. Just go with the flow but then that perfectionist mindset pops in as soon as I stop and then have to go correct it. Like I finally got an idea for a story that I really like the idea of and started writing and after five sentences I had to stop and rewrite. And I did… and only got three… This is what brings me joy, the act of creating yet the act of writing gets in the way. The act of putting my thoughts into words betrays me.

Taking time for myself

My therapist keeps telling me I need to take time for myself. Get to know me, without someone else connected to me. When ever I talk about doing stuff it’s always we (my roommate and I) and it’s never I. She wants me to center myself, basically. I get it. I spent too much time as a we and not enough time as a me. I don’t feel that connection to the me anymore. My job doesn’t really help. Everyday it seems like it’s just a struggle to get through anymore. When I first started it wasn’t this bad and I was working hours on end to do stuff constantly then too but now it doesn’t feel like we even get a chance to breath. And I still love the job and company but I hate work. and everything feels like it’s “capital W” Work lately, like it’s a four letter word. I want to enjoy the things I do and I don’t feel like I am enjoying what I do anymore. And when I get to that burnout point I need to make some sort of change, which is why I want to get back into the creative stuff above so I can at least enjoy what I am doing even if it is Work. Also driving to an from is killing me. Two hours of being in the car a day which makes work feel like 11 hours a day and if you need you 7 to 8 hours of sleep a day that means you have 5 to 6 hours of free time. When you are physically and mentally strained you don’t want to do shit, at least I don’t. So one hour before work to get ready they 4 to 5 hours of time spent doing nothing before bed, or well eating. No wonder I feel so burnt out, why I feel I can’t take time for myself.

I took today off because I had some issue with my car that needed to get take care of and the first thing I did after breakfast, go back to sleep. I felt like shit and certainly didn’t feel rested. I feel so much more relaxed than I would have if I went into work, even though I would have done the job that needed to be done. I just feel like I need more. I love that the people at this place treat me well like a part of the company rather than just a disposable commodity. I wish we had more time off and pay though but small company is a small company. I also don’t mind the hours. But the travel to and stress of that travel and that time I could have to do other things would be much better, yet I know I would still waste them like I currently do.

Anyway that’s what I am trying to work on now.

Cyan