So I have been wanting to learn blender for a long time, really ever since Second Life made it so you could use mesh. I haven’t really ever been one for modeling stuff but I have always loved architectural design and re-creation. Since I have been getting back into SL it’s been getting me creatively motivated again. So I had made within SL a giant brewery based on the American Brewery building in Baltimore.

I tried to create this as best as I could within the limits I had of SL and the Mesh Studio program I was using at the time to make it.

As you can see I did my best and think I nailed it pretty well but would love for it to be better, and to do that I would need to learn blender. Blender though always confused me because it difficult to say the least. SL always seems to inspire me to build things specifically in the steampunk city of New Babbage. I always find these awesome buildings that inspire me or I want to completely replicate like the brewery above and I try my hardest to do so. What makes it so easy with SL is all you have to do is produce a “prim” and then just connect them together and make primitive (because of prim amount limitations) items. With Mesh Studio you can go one step further by making more intricate items and remove those prim limitations because the mesh will remove a lot of those limitations. So more and more complicated things can be made. The sad thing this mainly moved all building from SL into other programs which honestly I feel slowed a lot of people from going into certain areas of SL. Like Babbage is a city of builders and without the builders around the role play that came with it slowly died as well.

Luckily someone started setting up events next month which has gotten me inspired once more to get into SL and back to Babbage and also learn blender. Hopefully this time I can actually learn it.

Cyan

So if you haven’t noticed I haven’t written much until lately. Honestly the only times I have felt creative is when I was around other creative people, like at school. The best thing I felt I ever wrote was over 20 years ago when I was at college the first time and working with a bunch of other creatives to make an intro to a collaborative fiction series we were setting up, which sadly didn’t go very far.

This story was born out of a post modern novel I devoured. There are some books that I “had” to read for school but when I read them it was all consuming. I think they first was Brave New World by Aldous Huxley. There was something about that story the “utopia” that was actually a dystopia. I don’t know why but I finished that book within a weekend, when we were supposed to go over the book over a week or two. The second book, which inspired my said best work, was Mao II by Don DeLillo, another dystopian post modern work. I don’t know why they clicked for me but they just did, and it’s not all works that do that as I had read White Noise as well and wasn’t as transfixed.

What came out of that was a story about a man seeped into depression wondering through his life as the head of a space station and being murdered which started a war with a new faction of aliens being found in outer space. The only most confusing part of the story would be the introduction of the alternative races and character that would come up later. I did get this story and another published in college those many years ago, but the way they were published was slightly different. This was when online sites were more like submitting to a magazine so you know actual contact and payment for them using my art, which was very nice. The other thing it was a voice reading of my stories, which was awesome but the website was lost over the years sadly and the recordings from that are no where to be found and I really would love to have a copy of those. I have another piece published for a short story series based on a section based in Second Life which was also pretty cool.

But lately I just stopped. The closest I have gotten would be to play D&D with friends during the weekends. I’ve tried to write things but no. Like maybe writing a paragraph or two starting something and never going forward with it, but the motivation died.

Now the motivation is back just hard to once more find the inspiration. Luckily the place that I enjoy on Second Life is seeming to have a resurgence so hopefully with that I will gain the inspiration to match my newfound motivation as well.

Cyan

So if you don’t know me I tend to have very surreal dreams, and I revel in them. I love having weird things happen to even a point where sometimes I realize I’m in a dream and just like cool anyway lets see where this goes. It’s rare that I have nightmares anymore though they still occur and of course most dreams I still don’t remember but I do remember a lot of my dreams.

Lately a lot of my dreams center on this conglomeration of Target/Kmart/Grocery mega store, the last few times which seemed to just be outside in the middle of a cityscape. Multiple times I was worried about work and then realized that I don’t work in those places (never worked in grocery stores before).

I do love how the mind just grabs things from every place and melds them together to get so weird amalgamation of something familiar. I have many times walked through endless bathrooms, or malls, had houses that defy physics and logic, go for a drive in a car to sudden no longer be in a car and just walking around. I even love the perspective change, sometimes being in first person, sometimes in third.

I honestly never put much thought into what my dreams meant because they were so surreal. Most people that I know who remembers their dreams seem to have “normal” dreams. And it’s funny I have dreams from when I was much younger I can remember over things I was told yesterday. Like there was a time I was at the local mall and saw the Ninja Turtles being chased by Shredder. Or I was out in the woods during a storm with tornadoes in the horizon and the Smurfs led me into a giant warehouse, kind-of like the one from Indiana Jones. There was a series of dreams that I seemed to have that I constantly had and then realized one time they were all connected and after that stopped having those specific ones altogether.

Anyway just wanted to post about that :3 Laters

Cyan

So I was feeling pretty good about myself. My creativity was coming back, I was feeling good about life and things again… So of course that’s when life decides oh you finished all those lemons here’s a truckload more.

My roommate/best friend/family works for a company that he knew was basically going to sell to other companies. We honestly weren’t expecting it anytime soon, though they did give him a bonus to stay on for a year so we knew within that timeline probably. What we didn’t know is that the way they’d sell would basically make his job and probably many others just gone. The company is looking to piece meal their sale of the company, which means they make all the money and leave shit for everyone else. I honestly think we will be fine as my roommate is very good at his job and has loads of experience as he has done this for so long, but he doesn’t have any college education which might hinder his chances. So yeah we’re both a little worried.

What I really hate though is I was starting to feel good again, starting to get out of this funk of depression and the world is like… nope you need to stay there. And you know what FUCK THAT! I am so tired of being negative, I’m so tired of feeling nothing, doing nothing. I want to live again.

So world fuck you I won’t. I’m not going to give into the negativity this time. I am going to think positively and I’m going to start to do stuff that I enjoy again, and not just watching videos and staying at home.

Anyway YEAAAAHHHHHH fun fun.

I think I’m going to try and write something now… well maybe not right now but this weekend.

Cyan

Well I guess I should update this thing *blows off the dust*

So I have been going to therapy lately and my therapist suggested maybe I should journal again so I thought I would. As this was always really just for me anyway I thought why not here.

I’ve of course been feeling a bit depressed lately but right now after session and tasty Indian dinner I actually feel pretty good. And honestly I need to start focusing on the good more often. I found that I always looked on the bad side of things previously. As one of my favorite movies stated (though not in the top five XD) I was feeding the wrong wolf… I need to watch that movie again.

So I guess I wanted to post things I appreciate, like my current job, which is great, now if the transit were shorter it would be much much better. My great friends which I need to contact more often. My amazing roommate. My lovely little old kitten. Thinking about it… myself even. I mean I do wish to be a lot lighter in weight but I do kind-of like the person I’ve become. I wish to do more but I always love change and growth… sometimes I just love comfort a bit too much though.

So to catch up. I graduated… and did nothing with my game design degree XD… I’m still working on it. I got a job working for an online retailer which I really like. They take my advice and treat me like a human being and not a tool. I’ve helped them come up with a few things too which I gloat about all the time XD

One of my best friends came out as trans to me… that shook my world for a bit. They were extremely masculine presenting so it took me by surprised and even questioned myself for a bit. I am still a guy though. Other than that still living one day at a time… and I want to try and make that time a little bit better from now on if I can. Maybe do the things I’ve always dreamed about… I just need to do.

Anyway that’s all for this update right now. Hopefully update more soon.

Cyan