Today I learned that I have been using my “bad degree” as a crutch. Yes there is not much you can really do with any degree. You have to have drive, and experience in order to really do something in life. For the longest time I really never had much drive to do anything. I want to be a writer but never drove myself to become one. I didn’t push myself, didn’t do the research, didn’t really pursue it with much passion. As with much of my past I was scared. I was afraid that if I tried to become “a writer” that I would fail miserably and not get anything published, and not be able to survive. Currently I am surviving but is it really living. I question this frequently because I really do want to change and I am doing so slowly. I’m becoming more of a risk taker. I have a lot more confidence in myself and I am enjoying what I am doing at school. Now if I can take that and apply it outside of school that would be great. It’s nice that I am feeling this way but will it be enough this time, will I use this boost to help propel me into something better for my life or when school gets out will I fall back into the old ruts again. I can only hope not, and strive to be a better person than I was before. I want to succeed now, and I know what I want to do. I didn’t really know that then.

So it’s heading into the holiday season and my Target has finally figured out “Hey this is a useful employee maybe we should give him more hours”. So now every day that I don’t have off for school (which is Monday and Tuesday) I work YAY. It is a good thing cause money has been rather tight even if they don’t pay nearly enough to begin with. I don’t know what is wrong with me today. I feel very blah. I’m sure it has a little to do with politics cause I know now things have to get a lot worse before they get better, and believe me if you voted republican (not that I think all republicans are bad just a high majority are) they will get a lot worse. It doesn’t help that I waited too late to vote should have done so early or at least before heading to school. I feel like one of my classes is great but the teacher doesn’t know half of what he’s talking about and shouldn’t be teaching the subject, the other two classes I love though. I have this feeling that whatever job I may get from this new education will be similar to what I have currently, basically a shit job that anyone can get and the pay being not worth going in for. I have no clue what to do next semester besides take only two classes cause the money from FAFSA will pay off debts so I can continue going to school.

I miss my family and friends. I know I will get to see my friends soon which will be really nice. I really appreciate my roommate but we are both struggling with a bit of money right now. I really hate money and wish there was someway we could get large copious amounts of it. In truth I just want enough to never have to worry about it, know that things are paid for, know that if I buy something here or there (nothing huge mind you) that I won’t have to worry about it, that I won’t run out of credit or run out of cash in the bank.

This holiday season like many others in the past I won’t be giving out gifts even though it’s something that gave me tons of joy, I will just be barely getting by, and I really hate that feeling. That’s the main reason for going back to school, but I’m doubting that that will change anything. I know I have changed. I am a bit more risk taking, otherwise why go back to school at all, why be super poor when I could just be comfortable in a crappy job. I guess I just need someone to tell me everything will be alright, that I am doing the right/smart thing, that in the end I will have the life I dreamed of (which for me really all I want is to be comfortable even though I dream big otherwise). And, as all of us, I just want to be loved. I know there are many people out there that love/care about me but being alone most of the time it’s hard to see.

So that’s it really. I think I just needed to get this off my chest.