Well I guess I should update this thing *blows off the dust*

So I have been going to therapy lately and my therapist suggested maybe I should journal again so I thought I would. As this was always really just for me anyway I thought why not here.

I’ve of course been feeling a bit depressed lately but right now after session and tasty Indian dinner I actually feel pretty good. And honestly I need to start focusing on the good more often. I found that I always looked on the bad side of things previously. As one of my favorite movies stated (though not in the top five XD) I was feeding the wrong wolf… I need to watch that movie again.

So I guess I wanted to post things I appreciate, like my current job, which is great, now if the transit were shorter it would be much much better. My great friends which I need to contact more often. My amazing roommate. My lovely little old kitten. Thinking about it… myself even. I mean I do wish to be a lot lighter in weight but I do kind-of like the person I’ve become. I wish to do more but I always love change and growth… sometimes I just love comfort a bit too much though.

So to catch up. I graduated… and did nothing with my game design degree XD… I’m still working on it. I got a job working for an online retailer which I really like. They take my advice and treat me like a human being and not a tool. I’ve helped them come up with a few things too which I gloat about all the time XD

One of my best friends came out as trans to me… that shook my world for a bit. They were extremely masculine presenting so it took me by surprised and even questioned myself for a bit. I am still a guy though. Other than that still living one day at a time… and I want to try and make that time a little bit better from now on if I can. Maybe do the things I’ve always dreamed about… I just need to do.

Anyway that’s all for this update right now. Hopefully update more soon.

Cyan

I am so frustrated with myself right now. One of my teachers,  who is helping me a lot to basically assert myself, asked if realizing that my fears were keeping me down helped me to start writing and other things again and I just gave him a lame excuse… I am totally beating myself up about it. I shouldn’t let my fears rule my life. Also I should have stayed today after class with the indie group and helped out instead of running off to get a haircut.

Other things… my dreams have been very active and weird lately. The other night I had a dream that basically was me considering suicide… WTF brain. Also why do all my dreams tend to be in places in my past. This one was in my old home in Cincinnati. Then another one that same day was with my dad…

I think my anxiety is getting to me and I know what I did today has really hit the anxiety button for me.

Found this list online still need to edit it to fit for me (take out the girly stuff basically) but most of it fits just perfectly so I thought I would post it. Will probably edit this post to reflect my full version later.

• Help me tie my shoes
• Wash my hair in the bath
• Pet me
• Pick out my clothes
• Pull me into your lap
• Get my paci if you notice me chewing my lip
• Cuddle me
• Make me giggle
• Use my little dishes for a meal
• Bring me a drink in a sippy cup
• Stick a crazy straw in my drink
• Hold my hand in public
• Order for me at a restaurant
• Drive me places (and pick me up)
• Go to my doctor’s appointments with me
• Help me make tough choices
• Let me fall asleep on you
• Ask me to help you with things
• Tell me when I’m a good girl
• Tell me if I make you proud
• Take care of me when I’m sick
• Remind me to take my medicine
• Suggest naptime, especially if I’m crabby
• Read to me
• Ask me about my favorite things; tell me about yours
• Whisper secrets to me
• Teach me new things
• Remember my plushies’ names
• Ask about my plushies and toys
• Tuck me in at night
• Remind me of bedtime
• Ask if I remembered to do things
• Kiss the top of my head or forehead
• Color with me
• Check for mean-monsters
• Listen to my excited-babbles
• Play pretend with me
• Take me to a park
• Push me on the swings
• Let me pick the movie
• Tell me I’m cute/adorable
• Kiss my owies
• Use awesome band-aids
• Surprise me
• Get me little gifts
• Set up a bubble bath
• Let me draw a tiny heart on you
• Check on my planner
• Make music with me
• Pick my jammies
• Cook with me
• Take me to the zoo
• Take me to the library
• Plan and go on a picnic
• Take a walk with me
• Take me stargazing
• Visit a museum with me
• Paint my toenails
• Make sure I have something to cuddle
• Invite me to a tea party
• Ask about my imaginary friends
• Plan a themed date night
• Play board games with me
• Play video games with me (or watch me play them)
• Do arts and crafts with me
• Give me candy/sweets
• Make me hot cocoa with marshmallows
• Blanket. Forts.
• Show me a place I’ve never seen before
• Whisper “shhh” in my ear when I’m upset
• Wipe away my tears
• Take me to see a kiddy movie in the theater
• Sing with me when I break out into song
• Call me “princess,” “little one,” “kitten,” “bunny,” “girl,” or “doll”
• Appreciate little gifts I make/give you
• Make a funny face at me in public
• Scoop me up princess-style
• Watch cartoons with me
• Make me a healthy snack
• Make a meal of special little foods
• Give me an allowance
• Have me complete chores
• Remind me to wash my hands before I eat
• Get things from places I can’t reach
• Rub my tummy when it hurts
• Start a pillow fight
• Shoot me with a water gun or nerf gun
• Quote from my favorite books and movies
• Ask me silly questions
• Try to win me a prize
• Take me somewhere I need to dress up to go to
• Ruffle my hair
• Boop my nose if my emotions are getting too intense
• Let me wear your t-shirt/hoodie
• Write a note and leave it somewhere for me to find
• Congratulate me for doing something difficult
• Start my sleepy music at night
• Take me to an amusement park
• Take selfies/photobooth pictures with me
• Make a pinky promise with me

1. Work on video game
   1. Learn Unity better
   2. Learn Blender
2. Eat better, figure out what I should be eating for breakfast/lunch/dinner when I am home rather than ordering crap for delivery
3. Exercise
4. Write
5. Enjoy life
6. Just do it!

So if you haven’t figure out from above list I have been lazy again. I suppose I have a right to be but in the end I need to stop it.

My roommate asked if I was depressed and I said “I don’t think so”. I mean really I’m not sure. I’m not overly happy but I don’t think I am depressed, I’m just trying to get to the next phase in my life, have been trying to get there for a very long time. I keep running my gears but nothing is grabbing to spokes. I really didn’t want this to be a whiney journal entry but it seems like that’s all I can write so might as well get it out. Work is trying, as always. It’s retail work and I don’t expect miracles or anything but do expect at least that they would appreciate their employees and not treat them like disposable assets. I mean you can just tell that they are cutting hours so they don’t have to pay insurance fees, which personally their insurance offerings sucked anyway so I like “Obamacare” better. My tooth has been giving me issues (falling out, getting fixed, insurance not covering it so paying out of pocket, not being able to find the last bit of money to get it finished) so have been worrying about that. You know it’s stuff like this that makes me not want to go to the doctor/dentist in the first place. We have insurance for a reason and then they don’t pay for anything it’s like a slap in the face. Why bother paying them anything then if they won’t cover anything?

…

Not what I wanted to do, so anyway…

I’m doing okay I think I just need to work harder. I think going back to school has been the best thing in the world for me. It has showed me that I need to work in order to improve and need to get back into life instead of sitting in the sidelines. I just need to realize while the sidelines and nice and comfy and life is hard it’s better to live life that watch it coast by me. Slow and steady wins the race but not trying and you automatically lose.

Recently I have purchased a number of new things for myself. One was a Wii U because of upcoming and current games and another =, which I am using now =, is a keyboard for my ipad.I’ve never really used my ipad for much and have never really wanted to do much websurfing or that much game playing on it so figured it would be the perfect tool for writing. So now I sit here clicking away on my cute new little keyboard that I got for cheap on amazon. Hopefully this will help me write more when I am out.

Today I learned that I have been using my “bad degree” as a crutch. Yes there is not much you can really do with any degree. You have to have drive, and experience in order to really do something in life. For the longest time I really never had much drive to do anything. I want to be a writer but never drove myself to become one. I didn’t push myself, didn’t do the research, didn’t really pursue it with much passion. As with much of my past I was scared. I was afraid that if I tried to become “a writer” that I would fail miserably and not get anything published, and not be able to survive. Currently I am surviving but is it really living. I question this frequently because I really do want to change and I am doing so slowly. I’m becoming more of a risk taker. I have a lot more confidence in myself and I am enjoying what I am doing at school. Now if I can take that and apply it outside of school that would be great. It’s nice that I am feeling this way but will it be enough this time, will I use this boost to help propel me into something better for my life or when school gets out will I fall back into the old ruts again. I can only hope not, and strive to be a better person than I was before. I want to succeed now, and I know what I want to do. I didn’t really know that then.

So it’s heading into the holiday season and my Target has finally figured out “Hey this is a useful employee maybe we should give him more hours”. So now every day that I don’t have off for school (which is Monday and Tuesday) I work YAY. It is a good thing cause money has been rather tight even if they don’t pay nearly enough to begin with. I don’t know what is wrong with me today. I feel very blah. I’m sure it has a little to do with politics cause I know now things have to get a lot worse before they get better, and believe me if you voted republican (not that I think all republicans are bad just a high majority are) they will get a lot worse. It doesn’t help that I waited too late to vote should have done so early or at least before heading to school. I feel like one of my classes is great but the teacher doesn’t know half of what he’s talking about and shouldn’t be teaching the subject, the other two classes I love though. I have this feeling that whatever job I may get from this new education will be similar to what I have currently, basically a shit job that anyone can get and the pay being not worth going in for. I have no clue what to do next semester besides take only two classes cause the money from FAFSA will pay off debts so I can continue going to school.

I miss my family and friends. I know I will get to see my friends soon which will be really nice. I really appreciate my roommate but we are both struggling with a bit of money right now. I really hate money and wish there was someway we could get large copious amounts of it. In truth I just want enough to never have to worry about it, know that things are paid for, know that if I buy something here or there (nothing huge mind you) that I won’t have to worry about it, that I won’t run out of credit or run out of cash in the bank.

This holiday season like many others in the past I won’t be giving out gifts even though it’s something that gave me tons of joy, I will just be barely getting by, and I really hate that feeling. That’s the main reason for going back to school, but I’m doubting that that will change anything. I know I have changed. I am a bit more risk taking, otherwise why go back to school at all, why be super poor when I could just be comfortable in a crappy job. I guess I just need someone to tell me everything will be alright, that I am doing the right/smart thing, that in the end I will have the life I dreamed of (which for me really all I want is to be comfortable even though I dream big otherwise). And, as all of us, I just want to be loved. I know there are many people out there that love/care about me but being alone most of the time it’s hard to see.

So that’s it really. I think I just needed to get this off my chest.

So since I decided to leave livejournal… well not really leave it just no longer pay for it, I’ve decided to make this my new blog.

Nothing otherwise has really changed about me, although will probably add an about me section and link to my old LJ. Nothing seriously exciting though.

Otherwise let’s see.

Today is my lets finished up homework day, for when I am super busy during the week. Last week I worked most of the week and when I had the free time really didn’t want to do the homework which I’d say was pretty stupid on my part, but only two of my classes actually had actual assignments to turn in. The Game Culture one is always easy whereas the Authoring Interactive Media is the one I am having issues with. My teacher for it isn’t bad but he could be much better, that and he’s just following someone else’s class plan that he doesn’t really know well himself it seems. Also it seems this class plan is a little old. I mean when have you ever really been to a website lately that will ask you questions in order to find out where you want to go on the site… besides a couple like dating sites and webMD not many. I’m kind-of irritated by this assignment though cause it seems pointless. I mean I am all for making websites, and really don’t mind sites that ask questions but there are no sites anymore that will load a new page after each question is asked, usually all the questions are asked at the very beginning and then the information you need is provided.

I also started calorie counting again. Really tired of being fat. I also started You Are Your Own Gym… well tried to. Need to do the exercises today but haven’t. The issue with YAYOG is I have no space in my place to do most of it, or it requires furniture that can handle lots of weight which we don’t have. But the thing is I want to do this. I’m so tired of my weight being an issue, a health issue, a clothing issue, etc etc.

I think I am going to try and participate in NaNoWriMo this year since there is no MFF and really don’t do MIR anymore, mainly cause I want to write again and want to finish something.

I think this is it for now. Will post more later.